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Wednesday, 27 December 2017

A Warning on Spontaneous Combustion

This charming little verse is written in the Scottish vernacular by Stuart Mclean. I can find nothing about the author. A Google search consistently brings up the late Canadian Broadcaster of the same name or Alistair Stuart McLean the author of thrillers.

A Warning on Spontaneous Combustion by Stuart McLean
O whisky is the king of drinks,
Renowned the world o'er,
But here's a word o' caution,
Tae think of when ye pour.
There's a certain combination,
That tastes so very good,
But when it hits your tummy,
And mixes with your food.
That's when the trouble starts,
For yer pleasure hits overload,
And half an hour later,
Ye'll suddenly explode.
So there ye are in the pub,
Completely engulfed in flames,
And yer good wife's dashing home,
Tae lodge insurance claims.
Well now that I have told ye,
Don't say ye've no' been warned,
So don't try it oot yersel',
Or ye'll soon be bein' mourned. 


Parnassus said...

Hello Bazza, A dire warning, indeed! However, since I neither drink nor am married, I can relax.

Happy New Year!

Hels said...

"And yer good wife's dashing home,
Tae lodge insurance claims".. hehe

Warnings to teenage boys are always hilarious.
My boys at 18 would have assumed I was talking nonsense... again!

klahanie said...

Bazza, I read this post in a Scottish accent. A rather weird piece of poetic perplexity. All things must pass, eventually...

Lang may yer lum reek!


bazza said...

Jim: Spontaneous combustion is available to all although (apparently) usually reserved for chronic alcoholics! Happy New Year to you too.....

bazza said...

Hels: I'm not sure that the warning is mainly aimed at teenaged boys! I always assumed SC was a myth but it seems not. Happily for me, I am a moderate drinker.

bazza said...

Gazza: "Bliadhna Mhath √ôr". I'm assuming you are fluent in Gaelic? May you never pass!

David said...

Hi bazza,
Strangely enough, I had a book when I was only wee called "The World Atlas of Mysteries" by Francis Hitching, which contained a chapter on, yes, you guessed it, spontaneous human combustion! Indeed, it had some pretty gory pictures to go along with the text, one of which showed just the remains of a leg with a shoe still on it! After that, when anyone in our family left their shoes lying about and they couldn't be seen themselves, we'd joke that they must have spontaneously combusted! All a bit dark, bazza, I know, but as the poem in your post attests, perhaps there's even humour to be found in suddenly bursting into flames!
Very Best Wishes for 2018,

bazza said...

David: I'm still not convinced that it has actually ever happened. I once had a double scotch and I didn't explode; surely that proves it?
I am impressed that you can recall the title and author of that childhood book. Sounds a bit strong for a kid.
All the best to you for the New Year David.

Sherry Ellis said...

That is funny!

Happy New Year! I wish you all the best in 2018!

bazza said...

Thanks Sherry. I wish you and yours a peaceful and prosperous New Year.

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Hi Bazza - this is such a funny poem ... brilliant and fun to read. Pity about the lack of information on the author of it ... but still Happy New Year - if you haven't combusted after last night ... cheers and all the best - Hilary

bazza said...

Hilary: It definitely works best if read aloud. I was on Champagne last night so no risk of ignition! Happy New Year to you.