One-liners

I love one-liner jokes so I've collected a few favourites together to help lighten your mood!
From Tim Vine:

• I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
• So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." 
• I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood?" I said, "Where is he?" 
• So I went to the record shop and I said "What have you got by The Doors?" He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!" 
• I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what - never again.

From Milton Jones:

• Militant feminists: I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that.
• I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.
• My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
• My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
• Hopefully I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.

From Tommy Cooper:

• I knocked on the door at this Bed and Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window. 
• D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine." So that was nice.
• "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's or H's".  "Well, you can't say fairer than that."
• So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
• I asked the waiter: “How long will my spaghetti be?” He said: “I don’t know. We never measure it."

From Stewart Francis:

• My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.
• My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we’ll see about that.
• So I phoned up the spiritual leader of Tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial-a-lama.
• I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.
• You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia…

And a final thought: It was hard to believe that my dad was a building site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there.