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Saturday, 17 September 2016

One-liners


I love one-liner jokes so I've collected a few favourites together to help lighten your mood!
From Tim Vine:
  • I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
  • So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch." 
  • I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood?" I said, "Where is he?" 
  • So I went to the record shop and I said "What have you got by The Doors?" He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!" 
  • I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what - never again.
From Milton Jones:
  • Militant feminists: I take my hat off to them. They don’t like that.
  • I was mugged by a man on crutches, wearing camouflage. Ha ha, I thought, you can hide but you can’t run.
  • My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
  • My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
  • Hopefully I’ve got a book coming out soon. Shouldn’t have eaten it, really.
From Tommy Cooper:
  • I knocked on the door at this Bed and Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window. 
  • D'you know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said "Parking Fine." So that was nice.
  • "Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's or H's".  "Well, you can't say fairer than that."
  • So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me “Can you give me a lift?” I said “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
  • I asked the waiter: “How long will my spaghetti be?” He said: “I don’t know. We never measure it."
From Stewart Francis:

10 comments:

Hilary Melton-Butcher said...

Hi Bazza - they are all so clever ... I can never 'dream' things up like that - but love reading them ... cheers Hilary

bazza said...

Same here Hilary. However, I do remember them and make my wife and daughters groan when I use them!

Hels said...

To be very funny, any story has to be at least vaguely possible.

So I love "My wife and I decided we don't want children. If someone wants them, we'll drop them off tomorrow". That is hilarious:) And plausible :)

bazza said...

I think that would resonate with most parents Hels! You can probably tell that I like puns and word-play.

John said...

Hi Bazza,
I think the Tommy Cooper ones are funny because you can hear his delivery. A very funny comic with a tragic personal life.
J
Follow me at HEDGELAND TALES

bazza said...

Hi John. I can hear Tommy Cooper saying them all except Stewart Francis.

David said...

Hi bazza,
Very funny. I particularly liked the "radical feminist" one!
Strangely enough, I was watching a programme the other day about the 1970s and what was acceptable then but not now. It showed a joke being told by, of all people, the famous racist/sexist Bernard Manning. The strange thing was that I actually found myself laughing at his joke, which was something about someone murdering his wife! I should be ashamed of myself really, but I think it was all in the timing and delivery which made it funny, rather than what was actually said. Perhaps such jokes, then, are all in the way you tell 'em! Anyway, here's a brief rendition of the Manning joke:
Two men are having a conversation about marriage. One asks the other, "have you ever been married?" The other man replies, "yes, twice". To which the other responds, "what happened to your first wife?" The other says, "she died from mushroom poisoning." "And what about your second wife?" asks the other. "She died from an axe wound". "Oh. How come?" says the first man. "She wouldn't eat the mushrooms", the second replies. Bum, Bum!!!
Best Wishes,
David.

bazza said...

Hi David. I feel the same way about 'comedians' like Bernard Manning and Jim Davidson. They are funny but their brand of humour is very uncomfortable.
Thanks for the joke!

Sherry Ellis said...

I liked the "cold air balloon" joke. Very funny!

bazza said...

Hello Sherry. There is such a wide variety of jokes here so there should be something for everyone! I like them all of course.