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Thursday, 16 January 2014

Pam Ayers, writer of comic verse

Pam Ayers is a quintessentially English writer of comic verse who, because she speaks with a lovely Oxfordshire accent and is sometimes thought of as a 'corny' comedienne is, to my mind, often under-rated. But I think that she is a gifted writer of comic verse. I don't know if she is much known outside of the UK which would be a pity. Here is one of her typical verses. You can hear her reading one of her poems in the link at the end of this post. I recommend it.


I am going to kill my husband, I have stuck all I can stick,
His constant criticising is getting on my wick.
He takes it all for granted, but tonight I can relax,
For the minute he complains, I shall whop him with the axe.

Yes, I’m going to kill my husband, I shall have him to be sure,
He’s never going to curse my navigation any more.
I drive him to distraction when I read a map, I know,
But tonight I’m going to drive him where he didn’t plan to go.

So when he starts haranguing me till I’m a nervous wreck,
Shouts and spits and rages till the veins swell in his neck.
As he grabs the map from me there’ll be no turning back,
I will calmly reach behind me and I’ll whop him with the jack.

I mean, he gets a cold and I’m supposed to sympathise,
And his sneezes shake the rafters and tears roll from his eyes.
He looks so woebegone, just like the back end of a bus,
And yet when I am ill he’ll tell me not to make a fuss.

It’s true, he’s got to go, you may not think I’ve got the right,
But he snores you see and I should know, I’m with him every night.
With a horrifying steady rhythm, whistle, snore and snort,
Well tonight he’s going to stay asleep for longer than he thought.

“Your honour, I confess, that with a satisfying thwack,
I hit him with the frying pan from seven paces back.”
The weapon was examined by the jury good and true,
It was all made up of women, and they all said,”After you!”

Click here for a wonderful, hilarious reading by Pam Ayres


Anonymous said...

Hot from the desk of the appalling, yet fabulous, Sir Tom Eagerly:
Bazza, have you taken leave of your senses dear boy? If Lady Eager sees this I might be trouble. After a couple of pints (of sherry or possibly port) apparently I make the windows shake while sleeping but I'm sceptical - I've never heard it myself.....
Cheers old thing!

Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe said...

So many women can relate to this poem, Bazza. When all those things get to me, I start to count, walk quickly to the bathroom, take a long bath and yammer at the wall. It has kept hubby alive all these years. However, patience has away of wearing out.

I have not heard of this lady but she is very funny (in a dark way). I will check her out.

bazza said...

Sir Tom: I know what you mean; Mrs Bazza has been known to accuse me of similar but I am oblivious to it!
Perhaps if you stuck to your usual vat of whisky it might be preferable.

bazza said...

Hi Arleen. I think Pam Ayres has touched on a familiar nerve here. I hope you listened to the reading via the link - it's delicious!

Botanist said...

I think Pam's voice and unique manner of reading adds a lot to the words. As I read, I couldn't help but hear her talking in my head. All axes and frying pans now firmly under lock and key :)

bazza said...

Hi Botanist. Her voice is lovely and the link at the bottom of this post let's you hear it.
Yes, this is poem that make some men nervous!

John said...

Hi Bazza,
I think Pam Ayres is a wonderful comic/poet, definitely one of my favourites. I didn't know that she had an Oxfordshire accent though, I always assumed that she came from Somerset or Devon, well, you live and learn!

bazza said...

Hi John. Funnily enough where she was born (Stanford-in-the-Vale) was in Berkshire but, in that typically British way, it became Oxfordshire later! I was always aware that she had some kind of west of England accent but didn't know where until recently.

All Consuming said...

You know I'd completely forgotten about Pam Ayres. A voice from my childhood, never to be forgotten. I must have a look at more of her writing now I'm an adult. The 'Mrs Bazza' bit made me laugh lol.

bazza said...

Hi AC. I suppose that everyone in the UK and probably Australia knows her work. She has been around for a long time but always manages to raise a smile.
Mrs Bazza says Hello!